TL;DR

Ingredients

• 1 incomplete childhood. Abandonment from birth preferred but in a pinch a tragic bus/train/car accident during formative years is a reasonable substitute.
• 4 medium-sized memories of the taste of other kids’ school lunches, peculiar sandwiches appearing for a week a year and then gone without a trace. Each taste varying inexplicably, as though house-smells have been infused into the food.
• 2 slices Wonder bread.
• 2 slices of ham, turkey, or nearest available ham/turkey analogue.
• 1 box StoveTop stuffing. Turkey is ideal, some prefer the additional grainy MSG quality to Chicken.
• Frozen peas, alternatively any remaining vegetables in the refrigerator.
• 1 bottle squeezable jam.

Directions

• Prepare StoveTop as directed. Use back left element, front left still smells strongly of burning cheese when started.
• Microwave meat, 3 minutes. Cover with another, identical plate to prevent gobbets from coating inside of microwave.
• Place bread on plate, apply stuffing, vegetables, meat. Add squeezable jam to taste, taking a moment to frown and taste a fingerful, wondering why the other kids have a spread that tastes like jam and oranges and communion wine.
• Squeeze sandwich together and cut diagonally, place on TV Tray, flip through channels listlessly. Take a bite, close eyes, imagine candle light, crystal, prayer. Recall the whir of an electric carving knife. Assemble the faces of teachers and foster figures as family, clutching their stomachs and beaming beatifically, engorged. Recall cliches about fullness. “Stick a Fork in Me”, “They’re gonna have to roll me home.”
• Dust crumbs from chin, resist constant tugging of cheek muscles. Fall asleep.